I know my blog is entitled ‘Useful and Beautiful’ but right now I am feeling anything but. I’m in this really unique and strange position right now where I’m not really good for anything career wise. Of course, I am home with my six children and making sure that they get the work done that their teachers are putting out for them but other than that I am just kind of…here.
When I was a kid, I was slightly (and oddly) obsessed with pandemics, the CDC, Ebola, etc and all things related to them. I wanted to be a doctor and work at the CDC. I maybe never got that medical degree, but I did become a registered nurse with the hopes of saving lives and helping people in need. I want nothing more than to be in the middle of it. My path has led me to a job in school nursing, which is my absolute heart. I love my students, I love being a part of their lives, and I love being a vital part of their health care. But this is where my uselessness comes in.
I’m not on the front lines. I’m no longer in bedside nursing, in the belly of the beast, caring for acutely sick folks and possibly dealing with the COVID-19 outbreak. I don’t work those grueling 12 hour shifts anymore. And, to be honest, it really just kind of feels like I am not a nurse right now. I’m doing nothing related to nursing with my days.
With school being out for the foreseeable future, I’m not getting to do school nursing either. While all of my teacher friends and hurridly making up lesson plans, posting videos for their class , and being innovative in delivering education I am again stuck in a limbo area. I have nothing to really contribute as far as that goes: I kind of need students physically in my presence to do what I do.
My career is a lot of who I am as a person. Good or bad, I identify as a nurse and it is really hard for me right now to not be doing more. I’m trying to keep myself busy with other things, but this weighs heavy on my mind daily.