Loss

9 years ago today, we lost a baby.  I had gone into work in the lab at 4am like normal. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I was about 8 weeks pregnant with our 5th baby so I knew that didn’t mean anything good. I walked over to the ER from the lab and checked in. It was a cold room in both temperature and overall environment. There were needles, tubes of blood, invasive ultrasounds, vitals, and a variety of other medical procedures. Yet no one ever addressed ME. How was I feeling? (Worried.) Was I scared? (Yes.) Was I sad? (Yes.) Could we call someone for you? (Please.) It was sterile and cold from start to finish. I can remember the doctor’s words: “There is no viable pregnancy.” Just like that. Just like it wasn’t going to change my whole life and rock my whole world.

I came home and cried like I have never cried before. Cried because of the physical pain, but cried more because of the emotional pain. It was such a profound loss for me, but did anyone else even care? No one could see or feel the pregnancy yet. To everyone, but me, it was just words. To me, the minute I saw that second line pop up on the home pregnancy test I had already imagined that child’s whole life in my mind and now it was just… gone. It felt like no one cared and no one understood, not from a place of callous or meanness but from a place of just not knowing what it felt like to be me.

Grief is weird. I almost feel weird even calling it grief. Should I even be sad? It was an 8 week pregnancy, not a full term still birth or anything like that. My grief is surely not as bad as someone who lost a baby further along. Right? I had four other kids at home at the time, shouldn’t that be enough? As the years go by, I sometimes feel like I’m ok or even ‘over it’ but when this day rolls around I find myself thinking about their little life and who they may have been and I just get sad. I’d of loved to have had them in our family, we would have loved them so. I just have to lean on the fact that God knows what He is doing and He is ultimately in control. Even if it is something I will never understand this side of Heaven.

 

 

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