I fight this constant monster telling me I’m not good enough. Everyone else has it more together than I do. Everyone’s house is better kept than mine. Everyone else’s kids listen more than mine. Everyone else is happier than I am. Everyone else has a better marriage than I do. Everyone else is better with their money than I am. Everyone is more content and has all the answers. I want to get in bed and stay there, it’s overwhelming. And this is just what is right off the top of my head right this second…
The anxiety is real. I once had a minor (ok…major) freak out at the renaissance festival because I was just certain my toddler twins were going to fall to their death from these 3 foot tall bleachers. I was screaming and crying and had to get up a leave. I’m sure it sounds funny, and looking back now it kind of is, but at the time it was real and true. It was a reaction to what I was feeling. They were fine, they were safe, they were surrounded by adults in the family but my brain could not process that.
Phobias are crippling as well. I once had to drop a biology class in college because it was in a hallway filled with taxidermy heads. Yes, stuffed animal heads. It sounds absolutely ridiculous and I can’t explain it. All I know is that the deep down terror and dread they filled me with was so, so real. I would start shaking and crying uncontrollably and try to find a place to flee. It wasn’t just being ‘scared’, it was a soul deep terror. Don’t even get me started on the panic attack I had in high school when we were at Sea World. I exaggerate not. A full blown panic attack.
My depression was so bad after I had my daughter that my husband and parents had an intervention: get help or go to the hospital. It’s hard though because you always think tomorrow will be different, tomorrow will be better. It finally got to the point where I realized it was NOT going t be different and it was NOT going to get better if I did not do something. Medication has been a life saver for me. A true lifesaver. I am aware of feeling better and dealing with life on a more level headed plane. Some people can ‘get over it’ or deal with it by other means. But I, for one am thankful for Zoloft. It saved my life. It gave me my life back.
So the question remains: why did I decide to go cold turkey off my meds a month or so ago? The lasting effects of the meds lingered around in my system for a while but those are all gone now. I feel that fear, that anxiety, that depression creeping back in to every area of my life. My husband has pleaded with me, “Please, I love you. Please get back on your meds.” I need to, I know I do. It’s just scary to know your literal life depends on medication. Scary to know you physically cannot function in a normal way without it. But it is to the point where being off of the is more scary than going back on them.